Whenever you complete an assignment for me, us the same number in my title in your title. That way I am certain as to which assignment you completed. Not doing so will result in a 20% loss of points for that assignment.
Section 1
Below I have modeled a response to a quote. There are two drafts of the same response below. Notice how I organize them. Try to recognize how I changed them. They are not in the S.E.L.E.C.T. order, but all of the elements are present.
Your assignment (to be completed in the comment box on MY post):
- Write a paragraph about the changes I made between the two drafts.
- What did you like?
- What got better?
- What didn't?
- How would you have changed it?
- What elements were/were not strong?
"'I cut the pig's throat," said Jack, proudly, and yet twitched as he said it. 'Can I borrow yours, Ralph, to make a nick at the hilt?" (69).
Draft 1
This is an important quote in the novel because it shows how Jack struggles to adapt to this wild environment. Though Jack is explaining that he cut the pig's throat, the narrator discloses that the boy boasts of this "proudly, and yet twitched as he said it." This shows that Jack is proud that he is able to perform this violent act, but he still had an emotional response against it. With an insistent tone, Golding is trying to emphasize the battle between instinctual and civilized behavior. All in all, however, this quote is beginning to unravel the tapestry of civilization to show that at heart, humanity is violent. This is further emphasized as Jack asks to borrow Ralph's weapon so he can make a tally mark on his, an action that records his number of kills and the change he has made.
Draft 2
Just before this quote occurs, Jack has killed a pig; just after it, he records his kill on the hilt of his weapon. These are actions that compliment each other; they show how violent he is becoming and how much he has changed. Though Jack "proudly" boasts of his kill, he still "twitched". Even though he wants to show he is able to shed blood, he is still affected by the idea, just as he was he let the pig get away on his first expedition up the mountain. By juxtaposing his pride with his reaction, Golding emphasizes the fact that humanity is always struggling on the edge of remaining civilized.
I will have more drafts later.
Section 2
THE REST OF THE ASSIGNMENT (to be done on your own blog)
Pick ONE quote below. Mimic my paragraph above by playing around with the order of S.E.L.E.C.T. to make it flow in a cohesive paragraph. Be sure to look for literary devices AND/OR important language. Also, be sure to include all other elements of S.E.L.E.C.T.
Ralph was annoyed and, for the moment, defeated. He felt himself facing something ungraspable. The eyes that looked so intently at him were without humor (37).
When roger opened his eyes and saw him, a darker shadow crept beneath the swarthiness of his skin; but Jack noticed nothing. He was eager, impatient, beckoning, so that Roger went to him (62).
He was the only boy on the island whose hair never seemed to grow (64).
I think the first paragraph was better. It flowed better and did a better job explaining the quote. Also, the first paragraph is worded better. The second paragraph really doesn't make sense. I would have changed the second paragraph by changing the order of the sentences and making it better.
ReplyDeleteMy personal favorite paragraph is the 2nd draft. I really liked how at the beginning you explained exactly what was going on before and after the event. In the 2nd draft I also liked how the sentences got more detailed compared to in the 1st draft. Also the flow of the 2nd draft is a lot better than the 1st draft.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second paragraph a little more than the first. I noticed that the second one flowed a little bit better and made more sense to me. In the second draft you included the event from S.E.L.E.C.T. format, and in the first draft I did not notice the event. The second paragraph also has great vocabulary which gives me a sense that you know what you're talking about. The first draft needed some improvements while the second seemed pretty good to me.
ReplyDeleteI think that the second paragraph was better. It flowed and it gave you information on what happened before and after the situation. The first does have more descriptive words but it can be overwhelming. The second draft is straight forward and allows you to see what is really going on during the quote and the result of the quote. They both describe the violent attitude that Jack carries and the pride he has after he kills the pig. There were strong elements in both drafts such as the descriptive wording and how they both explain the quote. But the first draft seems to not flow as well as the second does.
ReplyDeleteSection 1:
ReplyDelete1) The changes that you made between the two paragraphs were not necessarily the content, but the way you displayed the content. The first paragraph was not very descriptive, but it just had a lot of content and detail to it that made it much longer than the second paragraph. On the other hand the second paragraph was short and to the point. However, sometimes too short of a paragraph is not the best because it does not explain the content in full depth.
2) I like that you explained where exactly the passages were from in the story and how they effect the rest of the book! Also by reading your two paragraphs i found some new literary devices that i did not see the first time i read the passage.
3) I did not like the fact that the first paragraph was too long and the second paragraph was too short. I think that you need to find a good middle that covers all of the S.E.L.E.C.T assignment, but also has some detail to it, so your paragraphs aren't boring when we read it.
4) If i could of changed your paragraphs i again would of found a good middle, so it was not too long with too much description and not too short where you answer all the S.E.L.E.C.T assignment but it is also explained in your full capability.
5) Both paragraphs could use a little work. However, the ending of both of the paragraphs could of been shaped a little better and completed the paragraphs instead of leaving us hanging or not finishing a thought.
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ReplyDeletei personally liked the first paragraph better. I thought it was more toward the point then the second one was. although the second paragraph talks more about the events that happened before i still first was better. It has more information.
ReplyDelete#1 Select Passages
ReplyDeleteThe two paragraphs compared to each other were relatively similar. They said the same thing but the 2nd paragraph flowed better. "to show at heart humanity is violent." Was one part that really explained what happened in this book. To me that sentence really helped that paragraph. The part where you explain the killing and the shaking after became more clearly in the 2nd paragraph. The 1st paragraph was more fuzzy on that paragraph. I would have changed the order of the sentences to make it go in order more. When you described jacks 1st killing it was clear in the 1st paragraph and even better in the 2nd. That part really got my attention
I personally think the second paragraph was a little bit better, but not by much. It was worded better and it had more information in it. Also, the words you chose in the second one were more descriptive. But overall, they were both very similar to each other.
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd draft is my favorite of the two. Better vocabulary was used in the 2nd. It also includes actual words Golding used to describe Jack. The 1st draft is too wordy, and the 2nd raps up everything in the 1st in fewer words. The opening sentence of the 2nd draft could have been presented better.
ReplyDeleteThe first and second paragraph drafts contain similar information, however the second paragraph flows better, making it easier to understand. I like the way you began the second paragraph the event. The way you organized your information got better as well. The first paragraph may have more information than the second.I would have gone into a little more detail with the events and language of the second paragraph. The strongest element in the second draft was breaking down Jack's diction and what Golding emphasized.
ReplyDeleteI liked the way both of the drafts clearly explained the quote that was used. But I really love the second draft better. Both of them were very unique. What got better was the use of word choice in the second draft. Also, in the second draft, you identified the event that led to the quote, which was very effective.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to write another draft, I would've explained Jack's personality before he killed the pig to show the big difference and to show the back up evidence of how this one event changed everything in the story.
I liked the second passage because it flowed more. In the second paragraph the event portion got better, but the theme portion lacked specification that it was the theme. You could have said "Golding's theme is" or just "The theme is".
ReplyDeletei liked the 2nd draft much better then the first. On your first draft it seemed like to me that you were trying to hard to make it sound good and you made it a little wordy. In the 2nd draft your explanation of the language was much better. good job
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ReplyDeleteI liked the second paragraph much more because it was not as wordy as the first paragraph. The second paragraph explained the quote in a way that I understood better. There not really anything I would change about how you wrote the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe second passage I believe is a little better because it was worded to where it was sweet and short and covered the information. The way both of the passages ended could be worded a little different. I like how you introduced the quote better in the second passage better than you did in the first one. If i were to write another passage i would give brief description of Jack before the quote to give the reader more information.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the second paragraph instead of the first paragraph. The first paragraph was very descriptive, which is great at times, but in this case it felt a little over the top. Also, the first paragraph was a bit wordy causing it not to flow well at times. What makes the second paragraph superior in this situation, in my opinion, is the fact that it is condensed in size. Sometimes shorter paragraphs do not give enough information but in this case it seems to have morphed a few sentences into one or two. The sentences are more powerful, to the point, and also flowed better. If i was able to change anything in these drafts I would have changed the introductions between sentences in the first paragraph. The sentences start with "this is" and I would have changed it to a different phrase for each sentence to help it flow better.
ReplyDeleteI like the second paragraph more. It was more to the point and more concise. It also gave a more understandable explanation for the quote. The first paragraph went into too much detail to explain the quote. that is why i would use the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI think that the second paragraph was much better than the first. I liked how it flowed and it said more in a smaller amount of space. The vocabulary got better as you read on. I didn't like how short the second one was, although it did sum up everything. I would have changed some of the vocabulary that you used, (although people can just look up in the dictionary what a certain word means). Elements that were strong were the flowing of the paragraph, but the endings could have been worded differently.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is better due to the fact that the wording is better. You could probably add a few more things to back up you statements. All in all the 2nd paragraph is much easier to read and it is a lot less wordy.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second paragraph better because it presented your idea in a more fluent and concise manner. The second paragraph was worded much better and flowed more smoothly. The second paragraph was still choppy in parts, especially in the first sentence. I would have rewritten the first sentence and possibly rearranged some of the other sentences in the paragraph. Your wording was strong but the sentence structure could be improved.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second paragraph better, due to the changes you made. The first paragraph was too wordy, then in the second paragraph you changed that. The ending of the first was not well written, "the changes he has made," does not describe well enough how the changes to himself such as his values. The last sentence of the second is not a good written theme for the paragraph. I would say that the theme is how everything is perfect until you involve humanity.
ReplyDeleteThere was good and bad in both paragraphs. I liked the excellent vocabulary in the first paragraph and liked the simplicity of the second paragraph. In result of being more direct in the second paragraph the sentences seemed to flow fluently. In the first paragraph i would use less words and take out what is not needed.
ReplyDeleteThe second draft is different from the first one by being more direct and less wordy. Also in the second draft, you summarize five sentences from the first draft into two in the second.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you used less big words and paraphrased the second draft, making it easier for 10th grade students to understand.
The paraphrasing used in the second draft got better than in the first.
The use of less explanation in the second got worse than in the first.
I would use the second draft but add more details and examples from the quote to support your explanation.
The element of the theme is not specified well enough for me to know what the theme is.
If I had to choose I prefer the second paragraph over the first paragraph,because the second paragraph had the same amount of information in a smaller amount of sentences. Also the second quote flowed better than the first because of the word usage. The word usage in the first paragraph creates slow choppy sentences. Although neither paragraph is in S.E.L.C.E.T form the 2nd draft sounds better in the order it is in.
ReplyDeleteI like the second paragraph better. It flows much better than the first draft. The first draft was very wordy and hard to follow and understand. the second paragraph was easier to grasp and understand. I would change the first sentence in the second draft because it is kind of choppy.
ReplyDeleteI thought the first paragraph had a lot of detail and wordiness that it didn't S.E.L.E.C.T across in a quick way. The second paragraph was shorter and got to the point quicker than the first paragraph. The second paragraph though could list S.E.L.E.C.T in a way where it flow naturally so you can know which part is which. I liked that the first paragraph because it did emphasize detail to the subject. If the two paragraphs are combined with a little bit of detail, midrange paragraph, and listing of the S.E.L.E.C.T in a smooth way it would be a great paper.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that the second paragraph better, because you really explained what was going on. I liked how it wasn't just random observations about the quote like the first one. I enjoyed how it was more of a story line and it was more direct. It was easier to understand and it made more sense in my opinion. The both were very similar and I still liked the first one because i enjoyed the description of Jack and it had more information. But my favorite is still the 2nd passage but they both were well written.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second one better. Just because of the way you started it off. Although I think you should have kept the information about Jack using Ralph's knife. And you could have described Jack's conflicting emotions a little better.But overall the second ones went together better and was a little clearer.
ReplyDeleteI really like the second draft more then the first. This is because the first one gives you the main purpose of the statement and thats it, but the second one gives you a total background on the situation. Also the second one takes out the key words and shows how important they are in the beggining of the creation of the blood thirsty chief.Finally, the last draft moves more smoothly then the first.
ReplyDeleteI believe the second paragraph is better than the first. It seems to flow better. It provides you with the background, and not just the basics of the quote. The second is also more descriptive than the first as far as word usage. You implemented all parts of S.E.L.E.C.T. smoothly.
ReplyDeleteI like the second paragraph better than the first. I understand the second paragraph better because it seems to flow and is more direct. I know the background of the quote from the second paragraph. The first one is good but it uses words that i don't understand and doesn't flow smoothly. I can tell all parts of the s.e.l.e.c.t in the second one. The first is harder to pick out.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the first paragraph was better than the first paragraph. The second paragraph was more straight forward and to the point, which made it easier to read. I think that the second paragraph did a better job of tying the elements of Jack becoming more savage and out of touch with the rules of society than the first paragraph did. I think that the second paragrah still does not fully express how much more savage Jack is than the other boys are in this stage of the book. I think that there should be a small description of the killing of the pig that Jack is so proud of to illustrate is attitude toward killing. Describing how jack has lost his idea of society was a strong point of the paragraph and a weaker part of the paragraph was that it did not describe how Jack was so inocent at the beginnig of the story in enough detail.
ReplyDeleteI was more interested in the second paragraph because it flowed and the first was not easy to go along. The first i liked but not as much as the second because you got off tract to what you where saying in the first and last part of the paragraph. Why the second paragraph is better because it implied the s.e.l.e.c.t. and it got to point that if I never read the book.I would have probably wrote this the same way as you did but the word choice would be chosen i a more elaborate. Like IO said earlier I would implie select but not in as a direct way as people think you should.
ReplyDeleteI like the second paragraph more than the first. I enjoyed how it was more of a story line and it was more direct. I liked how you used smaller words and paraphrased. In result of being more direct in the second paragraph, the sentences seemed to come together better.
ReplyDeleteI like the second paragraph better than the first. You summarized the quote in the second paragraph better by using less words than the first. The first one used many filler words to describe the quote. I like how you quoted words in the paragraph to describe Jack. You could have reworded the last sentence of each paragraph to make it flow better.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph better than the second. The explanation of the quote pin pointed what the author was probably trying to communicate. In the second paragraph the same point was gotten across just in a less detailed way of how this quote seems to foreshadow the chapters to come. The second paragraph was simpler and easier to read. I would have used a different another word or explained what the word juxtaposing meant in my paragraph. The last sentence could have been a little more specific in the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the first one a lot more then the second one. The first one is much more into to detail. The first one also uses words to describe everything that is happening and was well explained. Though the second one flows better, it is just straight and to the point, and doesn't seem well written. It bored me. I would change it by just adding more detail and explanation.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the first paragraph to the second. It goes into more detail both within the text and what you can infer by reading between the lines. The second doesn't seem to have as much information although it does flow smoothly and uses a wide vocabulary. I find it just too short and to the point, almost so much that it doesn't look well-written. All i would add the the first is a broader range of vocabulary, and to the second i would include more details from the book.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first draft much more than the second one. The first sentence is my favorite sentence because it notices how jack is struggling to adapt to the wild environment. That would have to be tough to a little boy that went from going to school everyday, now to killing animals just to survive. I believed the first paragraph had excellent vocabulary and great detail. The first one helped me understand the quote much better. I thought the second draft went too quick and didn't explain its self very good. I would have explained why it was tough to adapt like i did in the second sentence of thi paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI think i perfer the second draft over the first. Mostly because it kept my attention and interested. Although the first draft is very descriptive and well explained, the second one gives you a better idea and sense of what is going on. i actually find both paragraphs very literary similar. The second draft also was right to the point and the paraphrasing is great. I think if it could use anything at all, maybe the sentence form could use some tweaking.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the second paragraph between the two because its more straight forward. The second paragraph gave more detailed information before during and after the event. Although it was paraphrased, it still flowed nicely. The first paragraph need some revising as far as vocabulary so it can flow like the second paragraph. Also the acronym S.E.L.E.C.T. is easier to pick out compared to the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI think the second one is better because the first one is very wordy. Also, i like how in the second one you made it short but still had everything needed in the paragraph. The second one had me interested through the whole paragraph and it flowed better than the first.
ReplyDelete